Issue:

New Dads

Page:

4-5

Abstract

Breastfeeding, Sex and Bonding

Keywords:

Breastfeeding,Sex,Caesarian,Family/Work Challenge, Birth

Let’s talk about breasts.

By now your partner will have taken on quite a bit of volume in the upper front part of her torso, and it’s likely to get even better when she starts to breastfeed your new baby. You may or may not like it, but over the next few months you are likely to have some close encounters with liquid baby food. It may ooze out between you when making love, or be regurgitated over your shoulder in that century-old ritual we call “burping a baby” – nature’s reminder that those breasts have not been enlarged for the father’s visual enjoyment.

Breastfeeding is not only an issue for the mother. It affects you as well – profoundly. Breastfeeding is more than providing food for baby. It sets the scene for a bond that is going to develop between mother and baby that is like no other in this world. A bond that at times can seem exclusive – with you being on the outside.

You, too, will have a bond that is unlike any other, but it’s going to be more difficult for you. After a while it may seem that it is the breasts that are in the way between you and your baby. For quite a few babies, in fact, life evolves around nothing else but the breast and you are left with little snippets of time, some rare and precious minutes where baby does not think of “it”.

And quite likely breastfeeding gets your partner’s sex drive down. If you haven’t done the “M” thing since 6th form you may wonder how you’re going to deal with this. Some men report that their own libido adjusts to their partner’s after birth, but others do not get such an easy ride.

Having less sex makes many men feel scratchy and tense. But although your partner may not feel like sleeping with you, there may be other ways you can enjoy your time together and both get what you want and need.

So what's in it for you?

Except for the knowledge that your baby’s nutrition is getting the best start it can possibly get, not much. Breastfeeding means your baby is going to be healthier and more intelligent, the poos don’t smell so bad and you save a lot of money. But extended breastfeeding very often means dad taking second place for a very long time. It very often means feeling stuck in that role of financial provider as the only worthy contribution to your family. Instead of sharing the parenting you’ve become your family’s financial and emotional life support, a relationship that is a lot more
one-way than you had expected.

In theory, the decision to breastfeed is a woman’s decision. In practice the father has a lot to do with it. Problems with establishing breastfeeding, cracked nipples, breast infections or tiredness are very common and can put the mother under quite a bit of stress. Sometimes she will have to change her diet or habits. Breastfeeding is an art that very often takes some time to learn. Without your support it will be hard for your partner to find the resolve to persist with it. How a father feels about breastfeeding very often decides whether the baby is going to get it or not. Even if you and her are not living together, your appreciation for her efforts can go a long way.

You can’t opt out of this decision!

More and more often women go back to work very soon after the baby’s birth. Continued breastfeeding is possible under these circumstances and a lot less hassle than it may seem at first, but it involves pumping and storing the breastmilk and feeding it to baby from a bottle while mum is away. Without your cooperation this will not work, but with it your bond with baby may very well enter a new dimension. Your baby’s health alone is well worth the effort.

With all this it is easy to forget to look after yourself. You have to support your partner, but may not get much in return for quite a while. She has an army of professionals and friends to give her tips and help, while you as a guy are pretty much on your own. But just like women need other women to become good mums, men need other men to become good dads. The single most effective thing you can do for your parenting is ringing up your mates and arrange for a get-together with them and their kids. The time where a guy going all gooey over his baby was considered "unmanly” has long passed anyway. Unlike your grandfather in his days, men are actually allowed to enjoy the company of babies now!

Breastfeeding Stories By Dads:

Breastfeeding After a Caesarian: Good intention aren't always enough when it comes to breastfeeding.

When The Feeders Went Out To Work: How a Dad and his working wife overcame the challenge of breastfeeding.

"An Extraordinary Thing": A dad tells about his experiences with fathering a girl that was breastfeed for four years.