Issue:

New Dads

Page:

14

Abstract

Fathers can make all the difference in the healing of a woman's post-natal depression.

Keywords:

Relationship,Postnatal Depression, Birth

It’s probably not something you’d like to hear about right now. Your baby’s just a few hours, days or weeks old, you’re excited and full of joy. How could anything get in the way of this newfound life of yours?

The odds are actually very much in your favour - provided you live with your partner your chances of building a happy and successful family that lasts until the kids are grown up are 80% or more.

Notwithstanding some rough patches that happen in the best of families, most men and women are happy with the outcome, even though they probably had quite different ideas to start with.

Post-Natal Depression is much more than a rough patch in your relationship, however, and it strikes at a vicious time. About one in 10 women are affected and it can happen to men too, especially if they are in primary caregiver situations.

There are degrees of this depression - in extreme cases a mother may not be able to adequately care for her child. But it is the milder forms that cause a greater danger to the relationship, because they are often not recognised by the woman concerned as depression.

A post-natally depressed woman may very likely appear unhappy with what you do, regardless of how much you try to help. Spend all your time off from work with your baby to give your partner a break, and she might feel she is a bad mother and you don't trust her with the baby. But leave the caring to her and she may complain that you are unsupportive and not a good father. Quit your job and she will worry that your family won’t be able to make ends meet; work hard and she will be scared of the times alone when you are not around.

Although not the only indicator for post-natal depression, the role change for a woman on becoming a mother plays a major part. And not only for the woman - role change is a big factor for depression in anyone, and the changes that parenthood brings can heighten any underlying depression already there in men as well. The partners of post-natally depressed women often do not score much better on depression tests than their wives.

Unfortunately, few treatment programmes for post-natally depressed women recognise the key role of the partner in overcoming the depression, even though research consistently points to father involvement and support as a major factor. As with other areas of parenthood, fathers are left alone with these problems. Noone supprts the supporters.

The most common misunderstanding by fathers is the attempt to try to find a cure. It is very important that you do as much around the home and with the baby as you possibly can even though you will most likely not be rewarded or praised for it. But your partner may at times not be able to provide the emotional involvement that a baby needs - you should not feel guilty about filling this gap, neither should you doubt your capability that you can.

But what helps your partner most is not you taking over all her jobs, but simply listen to what she has to tell you. Talking itself has a healing effect on a post-natally depressed mother. Trying to find solutions for her problems may put her under even more pressure - the pressure to feel better, because you followed up on her complaint.

It is hard to beat this "protector" instinct of many men. Try and get her to accept the support of other women or institutions like Plunket, who often run special post-natal depression programmes. Acknowledge her depression and - very, very important - tell her that she will get batter and that she has all the time she needs. If you go with her to doctor's and other appointments (normally a good idea, as it makes her feel supported) try to avoid the temptation to speak for her.

And don’t forget about yourself! When you want to give your partner a break and take the baby out, you may want to combine that with seeing a mate. If you know about a dads playgroup, give it a go. It makes looking after a baby feel not quite so “feminine” if you’re in the company of other guys, and you may come out with your batteries recharged.

Is She Depressed?

Here's some symptoms common in post-natally depressed women:
- Rapid mood changes.
- She doesn't enjoy doing things, especially sex, and sometimes not even enjoying the child.
- Difficulty with parenting, especially limit setting and coping with stressful behaviour.
- Increase in appetite, heightened sensitivity of noise, weight gain.
- Difficulty thinking clearly.

How Can I Help?

- Listen a lot and talk little, except for supporting and encouraging words and noises.
- Do as much as you can around the house without being asked. Bring takeaways home instead of cooking.
- Go out with your child as often as you can, both alone and with your partner.
- Make time. If you can reduce working hours. Try to cut down on other activities.
- Repaying the Credit Card overdraft will take a little longer.
- Find support for yourself.