Book review - "Fathers after divorce"

Issue:

5,1998

Page:

1

Abstract:

"Fathers after divorce" by Michael Green

Keywords:

Fathers, divorce

When Austalian parenting educator and men's movement guru Steve Biddulph was in Christchurch last September, he was singing the parises of another author's book. It was Fathers after Divorce by Australian QC Michael Green. Several months later, Fathers after Divorce hit New Zealand's bookstores, and Michale Green did a publicity tour. I heard his interview with Kim Hill on National Radio and was not impressed.

He came across as clinical and overly logical, as if he was better suited to writing law texts than a how-to guide for surviving a major life crisis.
But Biddulph described Fathers as "a separated man's best friend," so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and read the book.

I was amazed.
The book is light and easy to read. It is friendly and empathetic, and avoids the temptations of bitterness, revenge or self pitty.
Green is himself a separated father, so he avoids any pretentions or condescension. He also makes the book more personable by a liberal sprinkling of others' experiences. There are comments from women's perspectives as well, to keep a sensible balance. 

Chapter by chapter, the book is a compassionate, common-sense guide to all the issues men face after divorce. Advice is given on everything from how to tell the kids and your friends you're separating,  to learning to cook for yourself, to having a smooth access visit and even (further down the track) to repartnering and becoming a successful step father.

Not surprisingly for a QC, Green has particularly good chapters on dealing with legal issues. What is surprising is how keenly aware he is of the court's shorcomings. Among other useful tidbits, he says, "stay away from lawyers and the court" but also "keep a diary... on contact, child support and anything else that might be useful for the future" just for future reference, in case you do go to court. He describes the court as "a failure for families" and warns men of a "trifecta" of  legal manouvers that can be used by malicious ex-wives. These are: denial of access, false sexual allegations, and protection orders. "For many separated men, they often follow one another as night follows day," Green laconically notes.

Green refers to protection orders by their Austrailan name, "apprehended violence orders" which is one exception to the general rule of  his writing being very inclusive to the New Zealand experience. Many Australian writers pay lip service to New Zealand in an appendix. Green includes New Zealand examples straight through, side by side with the Australian ones. It's nice to not be just an afterthought!

At the end of each chapter, Green includes some helpful affirmations. Among them are, "I will maintain my sense of humour if it kills me!" "I will talk sensibly to my ex-wife about what has to be done". "I will not be a victim or a blamer". "I will not brush lightly over the pain in my children". "I will do everything in my power to stay in touch". "I will develop a no-nonsense attitude". "I will live close to my children". "I will lobby for changes in the system" and "I will cultivate a positive spirit".
This book is the best guide to divorce I have read since "Joint Custody with a Jerk". I heartily recomend it to all divorced fathers AND mothers.