A Woman’s Work ?
| Issue: | 23,2003 | Page: |
14 |
|
Abstract: |
A collection of stories from
"role-reversed" couples |
| Keywords: | Gender roles, work, men, woman, familes |
NZ author Wendy
Jones has
collected stories from ‘role-reversed’ parents.
Eight
years ago, with two small
children, I took an opportunity to work in England in
full-time paid
employment as an occupational therapist for one year. We travelled
overseas,
and my husband became the househusband he’d always ‘threatened’ to be.
Since
then we’ve mixed and matched our roles as our family has grown, and
each of us
has undertaken periods of further study as well as work assignments.
Our willingness
to consider other ways of ‘doing family life’ was a
major factor in why it has worked for us - but the insecurity and
fluctuations
in income, and the renegotiation of responsibilities as we swap roles
back and
forth have also been stressful at times. But this pattern has allowed both
of us
to spend more time with our
children, something that we both feel strongly about.
My interest in
this topic, as a result of our own family experiences,
prompted me to write a book for other men and women who were in similar
situations, or who were considering making changes in their family
lives.
I was
particularly interested in four key aspects:
Initially this
was to be a book on the women’s perspective of the situation, but it
soon
became apparent that I also needed to interview men to provide a fuller
picture.
Of the 19 women
I talked with, and whose stories are included in this book, 11 of their
partners and ex-partners agreed also to contribute. I met with families
on the
West Coast of the South Island, in semi-rural South Canterbury,
Christchurch,
Wellington, Auckland and areas slightly further north. I even compiled
one
chapter from emails and phone calls to England, as my subject travelled
for her
job.
It was great
meeting so many people from different backgrounds and each family had
found
their own style and methods for incorporating a “role reversal” into
their
daily lives.
In A
Woman’s Work? often the initial
trigger for
returning to the paid workforce was financial. However, the women in
this book
became the family wage earners for a number of reasons: illness,
redundancy,
their partner’s preference to be at home, the woman’s preference to go
out to
work, her greater earning potential. Most were a mixture of factors.
They
talked about the social and mental benefits gained from working outside
the
home environment and the benefits of having some independent income.
The people I
interviewed expressed little guilt about the decision to change
roles, but
some of the women mentioned the guilt of feeling that they should be
doing more
at home on a practical level. Some men mentioned guilt associated with
not
making a financial contribution to the family. It was interesting to
note how
the couples dealt with the question of who held the power when the
woman became
the source of income within a family.
For some
of the women in the
book, role reversal happened
naturally and easily, while for
others it was more difficult. Each person experienced various levels of
success
and satisfaction. One woman said that, though she might never meet the
other
women, she hoped that contributing her story and reading this book
would help
to create a sense of community for her. Some interviewees chose to use
pseudonyms to protect their privacy where the nature of their stories
could
have negative effects on themselves or their families. All have been
open and
honest about sharing their feelings, which has created a book of
narratives
that are fascinating, educative and often moving. In each case, the
decision to
speak out has not been made lightly and the finished book is the result
of a
collaborative effort between the interviewees and the author.
Quotes
from the book
It
was nice to have someone at home to do something even
though there as this guilt that I was not doing enough and maybe I was
not
appreciating him enough. When I came home and the house looked like a
mess, or
he was watching TV or lying in bed, probably my face dropped and then
he felt
guilty and angry.' Katrin
'So
I've had an opportunity to do it differently with
Jak, and I can leave him with better memories than I have of my
parents, or
that even the older children have of me as a parent.'
Jeff
'Stephanie
gets a bit confused at the moment because
Daddy tells her that I'm in charge because I earn the money, and I'm
saying,
"No, Daddy's still in charge."'
Angela
'I
do feel that even though I've decided to go out ot
work, that my main job is Mother, so I am therefore responsible and
nursing
comes second.'
Melissa.
'I
do feel that the person who earns the money has more
power in stating how it's spent. I think it's important for anyone
looking
after a child to have some degree of independence and, therefore, some
degree
of income.'
Dirk
'It
is definitely different for men. As women we are
judged much more harshly in terms of how we are as parents. Even in my
own
circle of family, friends and work, people judge me not by the fact
that I'm
the breadwinner, but by the fact that I sometimes have to leave my son
and
husband in order to do my job.'
Sandra
'It
would be nice if I could get a job that I could do at
home, but I think I would be lost if I had to go out to work. I'd be
standing
there in the middle of the day wondering what the kids were doing.'
Bruce