| Issue: | 20,2002 | Page: | 8-9 |
| Abstract: | A father relates his experiences with twins and having an older child as well. |
| Keywords: | Father Involvement, Multiples, Twins, Parenting |
Tim remembers his surprise when they heard they
managed to produce two in one go this time:
"The
presence of the twins was first revealed at the 18-week scan.", says
Tim. "We were sitting there with Elliot, our eldest boy, (Jenny was
lying down of course, but did manage to sit bolt upright at the
revelation) and I remember looking up at the monitor when the image
first appeared. Two circular patterns were displayed and before the
sonographer said anything by way of interpretation, I thought 'gosh -
that looks like one more than I was expecting'. Our operator then made
several passes with her magic sensor and the screen showed what I took
to be scenes from the movie "Aliens" -
lashings of backbones et al. The learned one then declared the obvious
- 'you are going to have twins'!
"What occurred then was a bit of a blur in slow
motion which I took to mean that my emotions were doing their best to
firstly work out how I was feeling, and secondly to muster up some form
of calm exterior to present to the enquiring world. Most words
containing four letters would've summed things up about right."
Like many multiples, Lewis and Olivia were in a bit
of a rush to escape the narrow confines of half a womb. Being one month
premature, they had to stay at the intermediate nursery of Christchurch
Women's Hospital for the first week. They were "quite small, but made
good progress", Tim says. And: "The week was a nice transition for us
as Jenny could get her strength back and I could swan around home with
Elliot. Bachelor boys together."
Bachelorhood was not to last long, of course: "Storm
clouds were gathering but I thought, naively, that they might pass over
without causalities. Wrong! It was all about to hit the fan. The twins
were discharged Christmas Eve 1999. Forget the millennium bug! We now
had two of them and they came a week early.
"The next day featured two parents with an hours
sleep between them trying to do their "ho ho ho" best for the sake of
the eldest. We ended up packing him off to his grandparents to put us
out of our misery."
Neither did the new millennium bring
any relief: "While the world was hoping to catch the new dawn or the
Y2K bug or indulge in a fireworks extravaganza, I was trying to
persuade some well-meaning friends that I would far rather spend the
next thousand years in bed. I think we compromised by watching some of
the celebrations on the 14" TV.
"We had no precon-ceptions
about what it would be like to manage twins.", Tim reflects, now two
years on from those days. "In fact, we were still rebuilding our
shattered family life caused by a rather difficult and colicky child
number one fours years previously. Everybody else seemed to have got
easily manageable vegetables for their first and were dreamily hoping
to add a second to their patch. I think we just got a dose of amnesia
that seared our earliest memories of walking zombie-like in the small
hours of the morning with an unsettled child. Anyway, the second can't
be that bad.... could it??? You bet your life! (do I detect
negativity?). Many of the parent articles in the Multiple Birth Club
newsletters spoke of joy and contentment. Quite frankly, I could not
relate and have only now found it a miracle that I can say anything
positive!"
'Hanging in there' seemed to describe Tim's and
Jenny's situation best over the next months. "I think we coped in the
first year by accepting that life would have to go on hold, and that if
we were to see any other living forms, then they would have to come to
us. This was to be the rule of thumb over the next two years and it has
only been the last eight months that the hibernation has eased.
Everything was difficult. Twins are double the work and we had an
active son as well. Try breastfeeding two infants (one who continually
fussed) for half an hour using all manner of pillows for support while
at the same time being subjected to the attention-seeking antics of a
jealous pre-schooler. The twins, too, seemed to work it out between
themselves; a roster that would ensure their parents got no respite.
One of them always needed to be attended to; in fact, our new universal
answer for all enquires was 'one is'".
Jenny and Tim found that the traditional
one-breadwinner/one-caregiver model simply doesn't work with twins.
Both of them work shifts to bring home the bacon, which "has also meant
that we see our children for large chunks of the day rather than just
the raggedy bits at each end", says Tim. "Chores tend to be split
between us although I am first to admit that Jenny does the lion's
share. There are still "blue jobs" that only yours truly can be called
upon - any crawling creatures (excluding babies), tight lids etc. As
far as twin rearing goes, we developed a well-oiled production line
that would make Henry Ford proud. Scenario: 1am Saturday. Twins in cot
in our room. Tim crawls out of bed, kicks cot leg on the way to attend
twin one. Jenny props self up in bed using all available pillows. Twin
one brought to mother. Twin two woken (if not already) and also brought
to mother. Jenny performs juggling act to ensure feeding successful, a
little bit like running for the try line with a ball under each arm. Tim
meanwhile preparing top-up bottles in kitchen for those that struggling
to make headway. Bottles are given, nappies changed and everyone in bed
one hour later. One hour five mins: Twin one decides that insufficient
wind expelled and demands that dad walk him around house for a further
40 mins. Simple. Repeat the above on a regular rotation."
Some help is available for parents with multiples,
such as government-sponsored home help, which Tim and Jenny used and
which turned out to be something of a lifeline: "Through this we made
contact with a wonderful woman who swept in with no fuss and with
minimal supervision or direction, seeming to anticipate our family's
needs. Both of us have family in town and they have continued to
provide enormous support. It is difficult to know just what extra could
have been done because in the end you have to just shoulder the work
and get on with it."
It's not all bad, though. Unlike single children,
twins can entertain each other and, unless they are fighting, give mum
and dad a break. "We often find ourselves eavesdropping on their play
and seeing just how they work things out." says Tim.
"They do get on really well and are usually pleased to see one another
if they have been apart for part of the day. It
is not unusual to spy them in the rear view window while returning from
playgroup holding hands and singing "ring-a-ring a roses" or trying to
remove one another's sock or similar. Of course they still fight over
toys and it is interesting on how the value of a toy can appreciate
depending on who has it and who wants it."
With all the attention on the two babies, someone
was bound to miss out: 7 year old Elliot. "He has struggled over just where
he fits into the alliance and often we have to remind him that his no
longer 2 years old. We make an effort to do special things with him
also but there are times that we have to concede to the majority view
and tell him that's life and that he will have to get used to it as we
all do. I feel for him having had four years on the throne and now
having to share his kingdom - it's taken me long enough to accept the
challenge of children - I never realised just how selfish I was."
Keeping it all together is the biggest challenge of
having twins, according to Tim, and the parents' attitudes to the
challenge makes all the difference: "Bringing up twins will certainly
give you an insight into yourself and in your ability to cope. Everyone
will be different in his or her experience, but a lot of our early
expectations were linked to our initial acceptance of the first news of
twins. There is much that you cannot change regarding the circumstances
of parenting children and the sooner this is accepted the better. What
can be worked on is your own attitude and this has been the biggest
challenge, for the attitude of the parents tends to set the tone for
the family. Remember also that nature has a way of giving one amnesia
regarding the trauma experienced in the first month and there is this
temptation to respond positively to the suggestion of further
procreation...now where was I...that's right, off to the vets!"